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April 18, 2025
Kilmar For President! Who Best Represents The Number One Policy Goal For Democrats: Diversity Fosterization! Kilmar Abrego Garcia, Of Course! Viva Kilmar!
By James Howard Kunstler - All News Pipeline
Autistic people contribute every day to our nations greatness. Senator Elizabeth Warren
So, you wonder why Democrats are so anxious to bring Kilmar Abrego Garcia back to the USA. Is it to lead the national ticket in 2028? Who else have they got? Pete Buttigieg doesnt have half of Kilmars charisma. AOC is just pretending to be Sandy-from-the-block and everybody knows it. Who else best represents the partys newest constituency: the undocumented (people unfairly deprived of documents by a cruel and careless bureaucracy)? Who best represents the Democratic Partys number one policy goal: diversity fosterization! Kilmar, of course! Viva Kilmar!
Its also pretty obvious by his recent actions, that Judge Jeb Boasberg is angling to be Kilmars running mate in 28. Perfect! He could fulfil the traditional role of vice-president by doing nothing for four years, which is exactly what people of non-color should do in the Democratic Partys new national order. (Havent they already done enough?) Boasberg could set an example for the rest of Americas dwindling color-deficient population: quit hogging all the action, stop collecting all those dividends and annuities, step aside and give the other a chance at the American Dream!
Did you happen to notice how enterprising Kilmar Abrego Garcia has been since he boldly breached the border in 2011, fleeing persecution from the vicious gangs of his native El Salvador? Running a one-man jobs program, he crossed the country countless times indefatigably from Maryland to California in his mobile office the legendary KAG SUV seeking employment opportunities for young women of color otherwise condemned to clean hotel rooms and labor in senior care facilities filled with abusive people of non-color clinging pointlessly to life only to oppress their caretakers with never-ending demands for medication and extra portions of Jello.
Kilmars gritty organization, Mara Salvatrucha-13, has been among the Democratic Partys most effective NGOs in a greater galaxy of justice-seeking ventures marshaled under the USAID umbrella recently vandalized by Elon Musks DOGE band of pillaging oligarchs. MS-13, for short, was beloved among the undocumented for its fund-raising abilities, its networking expertise, and its relentless search for the missing documents the undocumented have been looking high-and-low for lo these many decades rumored to be concealed in a vast underground complex in the Catoctin Mountains of Frederick County, MD. (More white peoples mischief!)
Thus, it came to pass that Kilmar Abrego Garcia, Maryland Dad-of-the-Year, was cruelly snatched from an MS-13 board meeting last month and transported without benefit of due process to the Salvadorean hell-hole known as CECOT (Centro de Confinamiento del Terrorismo). And so, his Senator, Chris Van Hollen (D-MD) traveled this week to Central America on his one-man rescue mission. The Senator claimed he was detained miles from the gate of CECOT, and yet we have this photograph of Mr. Van Hollen meeting with Kilmar (and an unidentified aide) over Margaritas and pupusas at a cantina in the nearby town of Tecoluca. Asked to comment on the photo, El Savadors Presidente, Nayib Bukele, declared: Kilmar Abrego Garcia, miraculously risen from the death camp & torture! Now that hes been confirmed healthy, he gets the honor of staying in El Salvadors custody, Mr. Bukele added.
Oh, so you say Seor Presidente! But not if Jeb Boasberg can help it. The dauntless super-judge has ordered Kilmar to be returned the USA pronto expressimo, or else he, the judge, is laying criminal contempt charges on the entire West Wing staff of Donald Trumps White House. They will go to jail just like Steve Bannon and Peter Navarro, two capos regime of Trumps MAGA gang, did last year for the insolence of refusing to testify in Congress. Only, they will get life-without-parole! Lessons to be learned, ye miserable color-deficient, oppressors!
Alas, the DC federal district court is a bit short of enforcement officers, so Judge Jeb has enlisted the Harvard rowing crew to bring Kilmar back home. Kilmar will take the coxswains place in the racing shell as the crew rows up the Pacific Coast to their planned landing spot at Las Olas, CA, just south of San Diego. Joy will reign in Wokeville.
Having displayed such pluck at diplomacy, unnamed sources say Senator Van Hollen is under consideration for Secretary of State when Kilmar wins the 2028 election. Up until now, wed been hoping for Senator Adam Schiff to fill that spot, but he has his hands full fighting the influence of the Soviet Union on the Trump cabinet. Looking forward, though, to the bold prosecutor, New York AG Letitia Tish James, moving into the top spot at DOJ, if her term for mortgage fraud ends before Jan-20, 2029. The Democratic Party such bright prospects! Forward together, with Kilmar and company! Documents for all, at long last!
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